Don’t Be Dumb: Stop Losing Friends and Family Over Politics

This is probably going to be a really unpopular opinion, but I need to get this off my chest. Yes, politics matter, and these conversations are important—but do they matter more than your friends and family? Absolutely not.

Recently, I was out to dinner with my fiancée and friends, and the question about couples with different political ideologies came up. So I explained my position, and everyone was shocked when I said I actually believe it’s possible to have a “happily ever after” with someone who thinks differently politically. But it’s not so simple. More on this later.

Yes this question was born out of the context of dating relationships, but I really wanted to expand it to the relationships with our friends and our families because so many people are fighting this battle, and for many it’s a battle that has no victory in sight— especially during this election season and with the holidays coming up. So that’s the conversation that I want to have today.

I think the clearest place to start here is somewhere that’s often underrated— and it’s the conviction. What’s the conviction behind your ideas? How bought in are you on either side? Is it your opinion, or is it something you adopted from your parents or a podcast? Do you have your own worldview, or is it someone else’s? This is crucial to know, because it determines the caliber of your values and why those values exist in the first place.

If someone has a loose relationship with politics, I don’t think this conversation carries a lot of weight. A nonstarter. Not everyone needs to be into politics. Your interests do not need to be their interests. The World Series just ended, Dodgers won. Did I watch any of the games? No. Am I a bad person because of it? Absolutely not. People who are into politics sometimes treat people who aren’t as if they’re ignorant or less than, and that’s not cool. You shouldn’t have to apologize for not being interested in politics. To me, politics is my sport (aside from chess)—I didn’t catch the World Series, but I definitely had my popcorn ready for the JD Vance and Tim Walz debate.

Now if someone has a strong relationship to politics, it’s a bit different. Let’s say you’ve known someone for years—they’re a great friend and genuinely good person. You care deeply about them, but you just found out they voted aggressively for the candidate or party you think is “the wrong choice.” Here’s what I’d say: the “wrong choice” for you might be the right choice for them, so let’s get that language out of there. I understand that you have strong opinions and reasons for voting the way you did—but maybe they do too. So what do you do?

Stop judging them. Recently, I had the privilege of experiencing a new Christmas movie for the first time and there was a scene that I thought was incredibly profound. The movie is called, “I Believe In Santa” and it’s a quirky holiday love story where the man that the woman falls in love with, believes in Santa. She can’t wrap her head around it and tries to convince him otherwise. When that fails, she asks his best friend, “I need some perspective. How are you so okay with this?”

The friend responds with something so beautifully profound:

“I don’t want to judge him on just this one thing—I like being friends with him. I’m not saying it was easy having a friend who believes in something no one else over the age of ten does. But then I thought about my life as a Muslim in Denver, Colorado. Most days, I’m surrounded by people who don’t believe the same things I do. I see the looks on some people’s faces when they find out I’m Muslim—as if my beliefs put me in some category of dangerous, or evil, or weird, or whatever they associate that part of me with. Once they put me in that box, that’s all I am to them. But Tom? He never did that to me. He didn’t care that my beliefs were different from his, so how could I do that to him?”

A couple take aways. For one this is such a powerful reminder that: real friendships look beyond differences. Let’s be the kind of people who don’t put others in boxes based on their beliefs or political views. Instead, let’s value them for who they are and what they bring into our lives. The joy, the laughs, the experiences. There’s an entire person that exists outside of whatever details you happen to disagree with. And then what? Gain perspective. I love that what this woman needed the most was perspective. She didn’t go and ask the best friend to change his mind or tell her she was right and he was wrong, instead what she was seeking the most was perspective. A new way of seeing things. When she heard the best friend’s response, the story stopped being about how she can “fix” this problem, and more about how this experience can add value to her life. She didn’t have to agree with him to understand and respect where he was coming from.

We all have unique paths that shape our perspectives. Before you let politics divide a relationship, remember that they, too, are the product of their own experiences, just as you are. You’re holding them to an unreasonable expectation if you expect them to have the exact same perspective as you. You have a worldview shaped by family, friends, community, church, school, your workplace, the books you read, and the content you consume. And your loved ones? They have their own fabric that makes them who they are. So of course, you aren’t always going to agree on everything—and that’s okay. Let go of that expectation.

One of my favorite things lately has been my fiancée and I going to Blaze Pizza, ordering our own personal pizzas, and putting whatever toppings we want on them before watching a movie (recent watch: The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds). And here’s what I love: there’s an endless number of combinations, styles, and flavors of pizza, and none of them feel “wrong.” I used to argue that pineapple was the only wrong choice on pizza, but I’ve since changed my mind. I’ve developed a new palette and actually have a profound appreciation for pineapple—it now goes on every pizza I make at Blaze.

Your friends and family might have different “toppings” or “crusts” when it comes to politics, but regardless of the difference in style, what can be consistent is getting to eat together side by side. Our political preferences shouldn’t stop us from being around the same table.

The last thing I wanted to share was to touch back on the topic that started this discussion, which was whether or not couples could have a “happily ever after” with different political views. And while I did say I believed in this, I also mentioned it was complicated. Here’s the complicated part: political stances often reflect values, and an alliance of values between you and your significant others is foundational. So this really isn’t a question about politics, it’s a question about values. Are you aligned in the values that matter?

When couples are united on the value front it creates a healthy and strong core at the center of the relationship that is able to withstand the storms of life. Which unfortunately means that on the other side of the spectrum, if this part is neglected, friction will arise. Friction between ideas will be inevitable, and friction will create an environment for fire to spark. And this is when people get hurt. But this does’t always happen! Remember, people have different levels of commitment to their political beliefs—some hold them loosely or aren’t strongly invested. If this is the case, I would ask a question to learn more: Are your current politics value driven, or socially driven? There’s a big difference here. One time my friend told me, “Adam emotionally you’re a liberal, but logically you’re a conservative.” I’ll never forget that.

You see, the relationship we have with our significant others is special because we’re not just sharing a holiday or a meal with them, we’re making the deliberate choice to share our lives with them. That choice brings a different level of commitment and expectation, so the alignment in values is worth considering deeply.

Now, back to the pizza! 😅 The people in our lives, whether family, friends, or romantic, different perspectives are not deal-breakers! Just like a pizza can have endless toppings, each of us brings unique flavors, spice, and crust to the table. Something that I think is important is, it’s the shared experience that makes this life worth living, not the shared choice on a policy or a candidate. Let’s look past the noise, the disagreements, and into the future— together.

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Key Takeaways:

1. People Over Politics:
   Yes these conversations matter, but they don’t matter more than the people in your life. Your love for your friends and family needs to be greater than your dislike for their politics.

2. Embracing Differences:

   Real friendships look beyond the disagreements and avoid putting people in isolating boxes.

3. Seek Perspective, Not Agreement:
   Stop trying to change peoples minds, instead be passionately curious about where they come from to build a greater menu of perspectives.

We need to be more committed to unity, more than we’re committed to winning arguments.

“Truth should never travel faster than love.”

-Erwin McManus

The last thing I’d like to say is, in a time that feels radically dividing, we need to make peace a core frequency of not only who we are, but with the people in our lives. I love that Romans 12:18 says, “ Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”

Hope you’re all having a good day! 🫱🏻‍🫲🏼